Stupid Da Vinci...

January 30, 1598

Dear Diary,

            Leonardo totally left me out of the picture! None of the other disciples mentioned me in their accounts of the last supper because I was in the outhouse dealing with food poisoning for 45 minutes. But I promise you – I was there. I tried contacting his assistant to try to change the picture – do a new one, send out a memo to some art museums saying I should’ve been in it, Photoshop me in, anything – but he’s been busy designing some secret code for his paintings. Cute.

Hungry for fame,

P.D.A.W.S.S.G. III

Greatly Depressed

Another entry transcribed from the "Danny Gill: Wekeela Historian" sessions. Transcription courtesy of myself and Asher Hecht.


June 27, 1930

Dear Diary,

   The Great Depression has struck with a vengeance, and Camp Wekeela has been greatly affected. Most campers have not returned for this summer, and those who have were forced to sell their oxen and precious metals to afford tuition. It's just me, the Carnegies, and the Rockefellers. That Andrew Carnegie is such a jerk! He always messes with my radio knobs and won't let me play with his telegraph machine. But his family did donate a fine performing arts pavilion. There have been profound budget cuts. Landsports is still great. We played a new sport called Dust Bowling. But we still have to pick corn and tobacco everyday - I hate culinary arts! I rode a moose in outdoor adventure yesterday. Archery is fun but intense. We've only had to bear arms thrice against the natives.

   I hope that by my next entry these harsh economic times will be gone, but I have little hope with this Hoover fella as President.

Thoughtfully,

P.D.A.W.S.S.G. III

OFFICIAL CHALLENGE!!!

April 8, 1901

Dear Diary,

            F$#@ James Naismith and his peach basket. He and I both know basketball was my idea. Yeah James, I know you're gonna read this someday. Remember the time we had lunch in the cafeteria and I told you about that game I played with the little crumpled papers and the wastepaper basket? THAT WAS BASKETBALL!! I officially offer a challenge for him to play me 1-on-1 in public for the rights to the invention. Bring it on – again (great movie haha lol)!

Tall baller from the MD,

P.D.A.W.S.S.G. III

In 1492 Columbus and I sailed the ocean blue...

October 22, 1492

Dear Diary,

            So we’ve been here not but 2 weeks and already the natives hate us. And understandably so – between disease, disrespect, unnecessary force, and an awkward incident involving the captain of the Santa Maria getting too up-close-and-personal with the tribe’s elder resulting in a heated verbal and then physical battle over the general merits and faults of corn, we haven’t exactly been the most pleasant of guests. As great as Columbus is – seriously, he’s an incredible navigator and adventurer – I think he may have made a mistake. I’m telling you all this in confidence, but I don’t actually think we’re in India. These people look nothing like I thought they would, there are no particularly exotic spices like the ones we’ve been promised, and our Hindi translator has proven utterly useless. I guess we’ll figure out what to do next in the next month or so. Aunt Isabel and Uncle Ferdinand could get very angry if I tell them that I think we messed up, so I’ll just let the other powers-that-be do all the work. That’s worked out so far!

In a whole new world,

P.D.A.W.S.S.G. III

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!

The following entry is from the weekly series "Danny Gill: Wekeela Historian" (often cited as FDR's primary source of inspiration for the Fireside Chats during WWII). Transcription courtesy of Asher Hecht and myself.

July 12, 1864. Evening.

Dear Diary,

    This Color War is INTENSE. I believe it is being taken far too literally. It is no longer green versus white, but instead blue versus grey. Instead of hatchets we get muskets, but the officers are terrible! It's been Lee versus Grant for five straight years. The alma maters have been fantastic and I can't decide if I like "Yankee Doodle" or "Heart of Dixie" more. Danny Milton wrote them both - he is perfect. The normal scoring system has been replaced with a casualty count which makes things much more interesting. Next week we are going on the sophomore trip to Harper's Ferry, which I hope is like the Songo River Queen.

The South will rise again!

P.D.A.W.S.S.G. III

China!

June 5, 1989

Dear Diary,

            So I just arrived in China. I heard about this big party downtown at some square so I figured I’d do as the Chinese do and go see what’s going on. I got pretty hungry with all the yelling and avoiding all the riots so I figured I’d step out and get some food. Heard they have great sushi there, and I was really in the mood. While crossing the street I encountered 4 massive tanks parked RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE RESTAURANT! They wouldn’t budge at all, and I think if you know me well enough you know I wasn’t going to either. How rude of them! As a guest in a foreign country, especially one with such a great relationship with my own, I expected nothing but the best hospitality. But no. I was in a standoff with them for hours. It was really awkward. Luckily I had a half-melted Milky Way in my pocket to hold me over for a little bit. Eventually they moved but the experience made me angry the rest of the day. Never going back to China ever again, no matter how good their Pad Thai is.

Stubbornly,

P.D.A.W.S.S.G. III

A picture of me taken sometime during the third hour of our standoff:

The Occupy Movement

September 18, 2011

Dear Diary,

Today I finally joined the Occupy Movement. Luckily my mission has nothing to do with advocating for political or social change. It’s actually more of a social club that goes to different Buffalo Wild Wings around the country refusing to leave individual locations until we’re forcefully kicked out. It feels great to be a part of a movement that I so wholeheartedly identify with –I not only love B-Dubs but I also hate being told what to do. Others crumble at the prospect of being sued or fined for staying too long, but that’s not really a concern for me, because, well, I think you know why...

I just tried the hot wings challenge for the 14^th time today and just missed it by 38 seconds! So close! Time to go occupy the bathroom - again....

With conviction,

Prince Daniel Allen Wasteful Selfish Shellfish Gill III (P.D.A.W.S.S.G. III)