Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!

The following entry is from the weekly series "Danny Gill: Wekeela Historian" (often cited as FDR's primary source of inspiration for the Fireside Chats during WWII). Transcription courtesy of Asher Hecht and myself.

July 12, 1864. Evening.

Dear Diary,

    This Color War is INTENSE. I believe it is being taken far too literally. It is no longer green versus white, but instead blue versus grey. Instead of hatchets we get muskets, but the officers are terrible! It's been Lee versus Grant for five straight years. The alma maters have been fantastic and I can't decide if I like "Yankee Doodle" or "Heart of Dixie" more. Danny Milton wrote them both - he is perfect. The normal scoring system has been replaced with a casualty count which makes things much more interesting. Next week we are going on the sophomore trip to Harper's Ferry, which I hope is like the Songo River Queen.

The South will rise again!

P.D.A.W.S.S.G. III

China!

June 5, 1989

Dear Diary,

            So I just arrived in China. I heard about this big party downtown at some square so I figured I’d do as the Chinese do and go see what’s going on. I got pretty hungry with all the yelling and avoiding all the riots so I figured I’d step out and get some food. Heard they have great sushi there, and I was really in the mood. While crossing the street I encountered 4 massive tanks parked RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE RESTAURANT! They wouldn’t budge at all, and I think if you know me well enough you know I wasn’t going to either. How rude of them! As a guest in a foreign country, especially one with such a great relationship with my own, I expected nothing but the best hospitality. But no. I was in a standoff with them for hours. It was really awkward. Luckily I had a half-melted Milky Way in my pocket to hold me over for a little bit. Eventually they moved but the experience made me angry the rest of the day. Never going back to China ever again, no matter how good their Pad Thai is.

Stubbornly,

P.D.A.W.S.S.G. III

A picture of me taken sometime during the third hour of our standoff:

The Occupy Movement

September 18, 2011

Dear Diary,

Today I finally joined the Occupy Movement. Luckily my mission has nothing to do with advocating for political or social change. It’s actually more of a social club that goes to different Buffalo Wild Wings around the country refusing to leave individual locations until we’re forcefully kicked out. It feels great to be a part of a movement that I so wholeheartedly identify with –I not only love B-Dubs but I also hate being told what to do. Others crumble at the prospect of being sued or fined for staying too long, but that’s not really a concern for me, because, well, I think you know why...

I just tried the hot wings challenge for the 14^th time today and just missed it by 38 seconds! So close! Time to go occupy the bathroom - again....

With conviction,

Prince Daniel Allen Wasteful Selfish Shellfish Gill III (P.D.A.W.S.S.G. III)

Intro

WORLD - GET READY!!!

Finally! After years of research, scavenging, interviews, accessing rare collections and archives at various museums and scholarly institutes across the world - they are finally here. Well, most of them...I am proud to present "The Chronicles of Danny Gill: Sarcastic First-Hand Accounts of the Moments that Shaped the World." I am still in the process of translating many of them, so please remain patient. Until recently, I thought Prince Daniel Allen Gill - aka The Wasteful One, The Selfish Prince, The Prince of All the Shellfish, DAGSteeler - had only attended Camp Wekeela for a very long time, as evident through his uncovered journal entries presented during the Wekeela Historian sessions. However, not only has he been at camp forever, he has been alive forever. I don't know the source of his eternal youthfulness, but in his infinite wisdom he has documented the moments that have shaped history as to inform us mere mortals throughout the course of time. I look forward to sharing his visions through my findings.

Your humble transcriber and servant of history,

Jake Haskel